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Jan. 11th, 2008

LOTR fall apart

Do I Ask Too Much?

My friend Daniela lonaed me a book last night- "A Company of Swans" by Eva Ibbotson. Intended audience's age: junior high. Seeing as how I had finished "Bel Canto" moments before, lighter fare was most definately required. So a couple of hours ago I started "A Company of Swans", thinking it would cheer me up. But I finished a half hour or so ago and don't quite know what to feel.

Plot synopsis:
1912 Cambridge England. Harriet lives with bigot father and evil aunt who want her to marry Edward, a total boob. Harriet runs away from home to join a ballet company. They go to Manaus in the Amazon. There, drama ensues and the amazing Rom falls in love with Harriet. The feeling is reciprocated. Everything goes promptly wrong but it all works out. The end.

I think it was the story's simplicity that got me. It's basically what everyone wants from life- to break free from the mold to pursue your dreams only to find that reality exceeds what you thought possible. Finding that perfect love.

But I really think it was Harriet and Rom's relationship. And Harriet as a character. She reminds me of how I used to be. Innocent. Pure. And Rom- everything I dream. To feel safe, free, happy. But most of all safe. To have that perfect someone- strong, sure, so wonderful, the person everyone wants to love but he chooses you because he sees that something. Something special. The part of you no one else could ever see. Someone who makes you feel small and delicate but still capable and strong as an individual. Someone who respects what little virtue I have left, despite his own desires. Is that so much to ask?

But now I'm crying because I doubt anyone like that would ever want someone like me. Because I'm not that untainted virgin. And I haven't been for a while. And I doubt I'll ever be treated with the true gentleness and reverence a virgin receives. Not that I ever experienced that myself. But it can't be too late. And I'm not just talking about the physical aspect of a relationship. I just mean in general. To feel special. To feel precious.

It's just too much to ask. And that's unbearable.

Nov. 21st, 2007

LOTR fall apart

Dazed and Confused

Things are kind of off as of late.
The aspect of it all that I'm comfortable-ish sharing now has to do with that topic every girl struggles with. Appearance. With me, this isn't anything new. I'm actually starting to feel like a broken record. For a while I was actually doing really well. But looking back, I wonder if I was pretending. Everybody does it. We push emotions we don't want to deal with to the back of our minds, hoping that refusing to acknowledge them will make them go away. Which, as we all know, is impossible. Otherwise, why would something so small be affecting me so much.

Here's what happened.

The other day I was at the mall with two friends and we stopped at a bookstore. After about an hour we all regrouped in the New Age section where one of my friends (let's call her N) had pulled out a book all about astrological signs. For fun, we each jumped to our sign's basic overview, which wasn't actually basic. At all. So, N checks out Gemini, A (my other friend) goes to Aquarius, and I go to Cancer. Now, apart from the general stuff, like associated color, planet, gemstone, element, personality traits and the like, the book listed the parts of the body associated with each sign. I think Gemini was all about limbs, Aquarius was arteries or the lungs, and then there's Cancer.

Cancer's body parts are the breasts and the stomach. Which I totally understand. As all the books say, I get stress induced stomach aches that basically immobilize me. However, the book also said that because of a Cancer's affinity with the stomach, which naturally leads to a love of food, as a Cancer ages, he/she will have weight problems.

Not such a big deal, right?

Wrong. Now, I'm freaking out. Because yes, I do love food. And yes, I have had weight issues my entire life. But over, a year or so, I lost weight (approx. 50 lbs). Of course, the means through which I achieved this mediocre feat weren't so great. Apart from the bulimia, I became a vegetarian just so I could validate my eating way less to both my family and myself. After forcing myself to give up meat, everything else was easy. In time, my stomach shrunk so the little amounts were all I could handle. And that would bother me even more. I hated that "full" feeling. I still do. Over that period, I went from a size 12 to a 6.

But that phase passed. And, what with all the doctor visits and subsequent weigh-ins I've had as of late due to something completely unrelated (I think...), I know I've gained some weight. And it's been bothering me for a while. But after reading that book, I'm basically frantic.

I sleep all day and stay up all night, because at night I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because it would wake up Mom, Dad, and Py. When I am awake and the kitchen is easily accessible, I stay in my room the entire time, because I know that if I go downstairs all I'll do is eat. And the worst part is that my hair's falling out again. And it's really really bad. I'll be sitting and reading a book and when I move my head, hairs fall down on the pages. And I know that restricting my diet isn't helping. But when it comes down to it, I figure I'll be miserable either way. If I'm skinny, at least I won't have to be ashamed of my body. I can handle the whole hair thing. Hell, I have for the past eight years. But I can't handle being bald and fat.

I don't know what to do.

Sep. 28th, 2007

Pole Up Ass

You have to be at least 6 feet tall to get into the Coast Guard Academy...

Why?
So if the boat breaks you can walk home!
-Dad

Needless to say, I cracked up. The cheesiness was simply spectacular. Plus, it was backed with some good old fashioned Naval Academy snobbery. My dad rocks. *big smile*

Back story:

So, I'm going to a social tonight at the Coast Guard Academy! Their Ballroom Club is brand new and it's their very first social EVER so the Johnson and Wales club is going over to support them! Which is super! (I get to tag along cuz the JWU crowd's kind of adopted me into their fold. *laughs* It's not like they have any other choice!) So this has got me all psyched! Maybe I'll find a competition partner! On the other hand, even if I do, the CGA is so far away, when would we get to practice? Plus, I'm so tired lately (reason requires a separate lj entry *sad face*) who knows if I'll be well enough to compete when the time arises?

But anyway, this is exciting!!
The only thing is, Andrew was supposed to pick me up at 4.... it's now almost 430.... he'd better get his butt in gear...

Jun. 20th, 2007

Cookie Monster

Yay!


Your Score: Bugs Bunny!


You scored 28 Aggression, 100 Sophistication, and 57 Optimism!



You have all the sophistication and charm one would expect from such a high-class hare. Very upbeat and generally laid-back, you are remarkably calm and peaceful even in the midst of the most stressful of situations. On those rare occasions that your anger is aroused, your retaliation usually results in embarrassing the aggressor and laying-bare how foolish he or she really is -- rather than doing any real harm. You likely have many friends and more than a few admirers and would make an excellent leader, if you had any interest in being one. But, being a leader would require hard work and attention to detail, both qualities you are lacking in. In fact, if you are not careful, your laid-back attitude will often lead you to drift through life completely oblivious to the changes happening around you. You also tend to have a horrible sense of direction.

Link: The Which Looney Tune Are You Test written by coolguy3000 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
Egypt

Je suis BORED!

Where is your spirit craving to take you to?

Everywhere

Right now you are craving to go everywhere and meet everyone because you just can't get enough of this life. You have ambitions and dreams that you are determined to accomplish no matter what. You find the world beautiful and mysterious and you have an adventurous spirit. You are going to feel fulfilled when you have experienced and seen as much as possible.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz

quiz
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Too true!!!!




Your Score: Chain-Link Fence


Your Heart is 48% Guarded



You're right in the middle of the categories. You have struck a good balance between opening up your heart and keeping it protected. Some things in your past have hurt you, but you've managed to keep a realistic view. When someone tries to steal your heart, they'll have to prove to you that they're worthy by taking the effort to climb over. And that's just fine.

Link: The Fence Around Your Heart Test written by irishcowgrl on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test



Thank God!





Your Score: The Liberal Beauty


You scored 91 looks, 85 personality, 40 politics, and 83 sex drive!



You're beautiful, you have a great personality, and youre highly sexual. You're a liberal with your views and you don't put morals before everything. You're probably a great wife or girlfriend, and you know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You're probably fun in a conversation and I'm sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful.


Don't Forget to Take My Other 2 Tests

The Music (Rock That Is) Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=8460139144648302003

The One Question Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=10194224782000446693

Link: The What Kind of Girl are You Test written by ramonaaronperez on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test



Woot! Go liberal-sexy women!!




Your Score: Spiderman


Congratulations! You scored a super 60%!



You're hotter than, well, hot-cakes! You've got a fan base bigger than Pam & Tommy, and to tell the truth, you actually don't mind the super-hero gig. Most of the time, anyway. Everyone seems to love their fun, friendly and courageous hero as you swoop in to save the day, time and time again! Unfortunately, swooping and day-saving doesn't help pay the rent, and you're not exactly the "hero-for-hire" type either. Hey, at least you can play down the whole life saving, self sacrificing gig with some neat lil' punchlines and remarks! Juggling both egos becomes a strain at times and whilst you want to help everyone, you're also in search of "me time", often finding yourself having to make constant personal sacrifices in order to protect those around you. Don't fret though! At the end of the day you'll find yourself with the support from either those you rescue or perhaps a close friend or loved one who'll get you by, reminding you of how cool you look in spandex.

Link: The Which SUPER HERO are you Test written by crayzee69 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test



Neat-o!!

Jun. 19th, 2007

I sense something...

Totally stolen from the sis....

What color is your soul painted?

Orange

Your soul is painted the color orange, which embodies the characteristics of balance, heat, enthusiasm, flamboyance, playfulness, aggression, over-emotion, danger, desire, strengthens the ability to concentrate, attraction, adaptability, and stimulation. Orange falls under the element of Fire, and symbolizes glory and fruits of the earth.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz

quiz
Quizzes and Personality Tests




Well, well, well... Pretty accurate... I like!

May. 28th, 2007

LOTR fall apart

FREAK OUT!

And it's not the fun kind Shrek's buddies had when they took over his place in the second movie. It's just that those pesky insecurities of mine are rearing their ugly heads. Again. And it's really getting old.

Back story:
I'm a member of the RIC Ballroom Dance Team. Even though I don't perform at the various functions of which the team takes part, they like me and let me tag along, thus I get into said functions for free. The last one we did was this Carnivale thingy at Rhodes on the Pawtuxet. Tickets for that were something like $30ish, semi-formal attire, something with ethnic flair, preferably. The next function is this coming Saturday, June 2, and it's in a different level all together.

The RIC Ballroom Dance Team is performing at the RI Heart Ball. It's THE American Heart Association event. Think $400 tickets and people auctioning off Porches and yachts. Thus, it is black tie. Thus, this chica needs a gown. Not a dress. Not a frock. Not a robe. Not a... well, you get the picture. We're talking GOWN. As in, long, silky, and fancy. After a fruitless treck to the Providence Place Mall (they seem to be marketing toward the Baby Phat crowd... not really my scene) Mom and I decided the best bet would be the place my sister got her prom gown and graduation dress. It's this neat little boutique in Newport called Just For You. So, today the mater and I had a little field trip.

This was an excellent choice, mostly because at the time Mom and I didn't comprehend how la-de-da the Heart Ball was. But the owner of be boutique sure knew. So she was able to guide us in the right direction. Plus she just looked at me and knew what size I was! *laughs* She also recognized my problem area, which, as I learned today, most middle aged women would die for. What is this area, you ask? Well, I reply, for those of you who haven't noticed, I have quite a prodigous bust. And when shopping for dresses in a time where the main accessory is cleavage, such a physical trait can make shopping quite hazardous. There are all sorts of landmines, thus my choices for style of dress were more limited than those of a size 2 piece of plywood. But the great thing was that the owner knew what dresses provided the best coverage and support.

So, twenty dresses or so later, we (it was a group effort- mom, the owner, and the six other ladies in the store all of whom should have been watching their own daughters and not me, and of course me) found on that was by far the best. And when I looked in the mirror, I loved it. So Mom got it for me, and I loved it when I left the shop. I loved it when I got home. I loved it when I went out with Courtney for dinner.

But now I'm not so sure.

Let me describe the item in question:
Bright Coral/Melon, Long, Square halter neckline, ruching on the sides along the bodice. Super, right? Well, the other main trait is that it hugs my curves like a glove. The skirt isn't flowy, it's close cut (with a neat little train in the back that just kind of pools out).
When I was in the store it was okay. I felt confident. The girl I saw in the mirror was gorgeous! She looked like a movie star, and everyone said so! Her body wasn't fat, it was volumptuous, and each curve screamed sex appeal!
But now that I'm home, I see the "real" me. And I worry that I bit off more than I could chew. I wonder if I would have been better off playing it safe, getting a dress in a subtler color, with the basic spaghetti straps and flowy skirt and sequins, rather than this strong bombshell diva of a gown. Cuz right now I don't feel that way. It's weird. That side of me comes and goes so easily. And I'm scared that it won't be there Saturday night. I psych myself out so easily. It doesn't help that I photograph horribly. You know how it is. You get all pretty, then you go out with some friends, thinking you're hot stuff, then someone takes a picture, you see it and suddenly realize how deluded you were. It reminds me of when I was thirteen. I honestly thought I was hot stuff. I look back at pictures of the almost 200 pound me and wonder what the fuck was I thinking? So now I don't trust myself.

I'm just so insecure about how I look.

Y'all, please pray for that inner Marilyn to out Saturday night. I'm really going to need her.

May. 1st, 2007

Cookie Monster

The End is Nigh...

It's true! I have just one more day of classes left!! Which is super-de-duper!!! Needless to say my spirits have been raised.

But there comes a time in every LJ post for introspection. Especially if you're as wonky as me.

I just started a different type of therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It's really more like a clinic, approx. 8-10 sessions with this trainee-in-a-doctorate-program-ie-Brown. I met her, Rebecca, yesterday and I've got good vibes. She's really different from Tim, my regular therapist, but that's the whole point. Hopefully I'll learn some new skills that I'll be able to incorporate into my everyday life indefinately. It's kind of like RIC, in a way. You get what you put in. And I'm going to work really hard. CBT (it's funny, I actually learned about this in social psychology before my doc even suggested the clinic! how cool is that?) is all about acknowledging your emotions and (the crucial bit) changing the way you think about them. Like, say I got dumped, God forbid. Instead of being all like, I suck, I'll never have another boyfriend, I'm all alone, etc, I'll think something along the lines of- you know what? I was a great girlfriend, it's his loss, there are plenty of fish in the sea, etc.

Now, this sounds easier than it really is. We can all turn on that little voice in our head and have it say anything we want. The hard part is actually believing what you tell yourself and letting it affect your behavior and body. Take the dumping scenario. Instead of sleeping all the time, staying in bed, and crying, I would go out with friends, exercise, spend time just DOING things. When I'm upset I usually end up feeling sick and possibly throwing up (not my idea any more, ew!) but if I change my thinking and behavior, I'll feel better. It's like everything, your thoughts, behavior, and body are linked in a cycle with your emotions at the center.

So I kind of started to try CBT today. And I realised how much of a bitch I can be. Like, to my family, my sister especially. Which is not fair. She has always been there for me, without a harsh word, taking my abuse, all the while going through her own shit and simultaneously having to deal with mine.

I'm making a public promise.

I promise to think before every word I say. If I'm sad, I'll change my thought process to direct it away from my sister and toward the actual problem. She deserves so much better than what I've been.

I just wish she was home right now so I could give her the biggest hug known to humankind and cook her brownies and give her a flower and an enormous apology. *hugs sis through space and time*

Apr. 23rd, 2007

Pole Up Ass

Ooog...

Let me reiterate.

Ooooooooog.

I am sick. Ill. Under the weather. Have been since Friday. Went to a social Friday night. Did I dance? No. But did I spend the night asleep on a couch in the downstairs of Dancin' Feelin'? Damn straight. Please note that Andrew (my boy) stayed with me the entire time.

Saturday the sickie feelings were in full swing. Please note that it was the first month-versary for the boy and I. Also note that he drove totally out of his way to my house to give me an Andrew Box, all the while under the scrutinous eyes of my apparently terrifying father.

Sunday, well, I started feeling better. I got out of bed. Got dressed. Put air in my mom's bike's tires. Cleaned. So, in general, things were looking up. Please note I was planning on going to Conneticut with the boy to meet his parents. WAS planning. But no such luck.

Today.
Well.
Today sucks.
Once again, I say, "Ooooooog".
The cold has moved into my chest, so every five minutes I end up hacking up a lung. My neck hurts like "H" "E" double hockey-sticks. Please note, I don't have a sore throat. My neck HURTS. As in all my glands are swolen and very sore.
Plus there's the whole ear ache/head ache/tummy ache/stuffy nose/general feelings of physical doom.

Ick.
No, Oooog.
Pleae note Andrew and I were planning on spending the day together, like we usually do. But no. And since he dropped the "L" word Saturday, I really worry he's getting the wrong idea. Of course, at the crucial moment I just smiled, said "You're the best", and hugged him. Haven't seen him since. Not really sure how I'll behave...

But as of right now, I just want to feel better so I can go to class tomorrow and Thursday. And to be better for Wednesday. That's one of my dancing/boy nights/early evenings.

Finally, I will finish with an:
Ooooog.

Apr. 18th, 2007

Calvin and Hobbes

!!!!!!!!!!

Posting things on livejournal has a tendency to make them official in my mind. And this is something I want desperately to be official. Even though I know it is. It just seems kind of unreal at the moment.

I have two more weeks of class. That is, I have FOUR MORE DAYS OF CLASS!

Wow.

That will be followed by two days of exams.

Thus, I have SIX MORE DAYS AT RIC!!

Until summer.

At which point I start summer session one. Which shouldn't be that bad. Kind of a dry course- Research methods in psychology. But it's required. And after that, I take Statistics during summer session two. But considering the weather, I don't really mind being in class.

Holy moley, I need to start looking for a job!!!

But should I wait til I turn 18 and get a job at the mall?

But I want a job NOW.

Imagine would be great. It's a neat shop in Warren. Maybe I'll call today...

In fact, I'm going to call right now!

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